How did I get here?

Is permenant helplessness and hopelessness a thing? It sure feels like it is. Disappointment has a funny way of sneaking up on you. One minute you're planning your wedding and the next you're trying to figure out when and how your life completely fell apart. I silently beg to go back in time so that I can remember what happiness feels like.

The past three years have been made up of mostly sadness and disappointment. I became a mother in the height of the pandemic. I wasn't able to have my parents with me at the hospital like I'd planned. My daughter spent time in the NICU and only one person was allowed to be with her at a time. I missed my brother's wedding because I hadn't been discharged from the hospital yet. My young marriage suffered irreparable damage for a multitude of reasons but especially so after the severely premature birth of my second daughter. The relationship with my in-laws has disintegrated with little hope of reconciliation. I'm now faced with the bleak reality that my daughter is medically complex and hospital stays will continue to happen. There's no sleeping. It's like being on call 24 hours a day and seven days a week. It's exhausting - in every way shape and form - knowing that we could lose her at any moment for a number of reasons keeps me constantly on edge. Every sneeze, cough, and/or yawn triggers instant panic.

Permanent helplessness.

Permanent hopelessness.

Permenant guilt.

.... and permenant disappointment in life turning out to be the exact opposite of what I'd ever hoped it to be.

Isolated, emotionally and physically exhausted, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and very much desperate for anything GOOD to happen is what I'm currently trying to sort out. But, for now, all I can do is do my best to make it through the day. That and hope that there will be a time when life won't be so hard.